Self-Esteem....or lack thereof

**I apologize now for any incoherent rambling that may exist in this post. I am not skilled at putting my thoughts into words. This really doesn't have much to do with the going-ons of our family...just some complaints I have that are probably coming from my hormonally driven thoughts right now.**

This subject has been on my mind a lot lately. Not just for me, but for my daughter and every other woman out there. Everyday we are bombarded by images of what society and media tell us what we 'should' look like. You cannot watch TV without there being a commercial for a new make-up, a new workout, or some other product to make us beautiful and sexy. And each of these products are endorsed by a size 2 perfect hourglass. How many of the 'popular' actresses really look like women you see walking down the street or through the grocery store? You can't even check-out at the store without having the one last flash of 'Real' beauty on the magazine racks, right there for you to see while you are stuck waiting in line. What is the point of all of this? These women are just a minority and do not even come close to representing the female community. So why is it there? Well, men like looking at it...women want men's attention, so in turn, we feel like we have to look like that in order to be attractive to men. Why? Why should we have to look a certain way? We are all beautiful in our way....who we are, how we feel, even the way we look. We are all beautiful because of our differences. We don't look the same. We don't look like cookie-cutter VS models. And we shouldn't, nor should we want to.

How are we ever supposed to feel good about ourselves in a world where pornography is a billion dollar a year industry, where ever channel you watch on TV (even antenna!!) is throwing images of the 'perfect' women at you, where you can't buy anything from a store without images being right there at the check-out?? Of course, it's easy to say that a big part of this is to blame on the men....sure, they choose to look, they choose compare us to the ever impossible to achieve level of beauty out there. But we are responsible for it too. We can't keep trying to make ourselves look better. It just shows 'them' that it's working. I'm all for looking good and feeling good about yourself but I've been stuck trying to obtain a level of beauty that can only be achieved by photoshop. I have chosen to avoid looking at those magazines...I will not anymore. I will not compare myself to any other women again. (I must say, it's working...I do feel better about myself and put myself down a lot less)

I am a real woman. I have stretch marks, loose skin and some extra fat. I do not have a pair of perfect, perky Ds that I paid $5000 for. My eyes look tired a lot, I have kids. I am getting wrinkles. My hair isn't shiny or even always washed. I don't have a professional make-up and hair stylist to make me look good everyday. I'm not a size 2, I don't have an hourglass figure. I'm not perfect but I am still beautiful because I am real.

Moving, Moving, Moving....eventually

Yeah, that's right. Sometime we are going to be moving...at least, we'll have orders by next march (2011) so in my world it's time to start thinking about it!

Right now, we're looking at Tucson...why? Well, Davis-Monthan AFB is down there. The job would be like it was for Jared in Texas...back shop stuff, tear the plane apart, put it back together..the stuff he loved. The weather...probably alot like Mesquite...it's a deseret. There's also a good possibility of no deployments.

Living here has been the longest we've lived anywhere in our married life. I've gotten used to it I guess. I feel settled down, finally. That's ending tho...so starts the researching that I am so anal about. I'm looking at homes, school districts, neighborhoods, the communte....trying to weigh the possibilities...see what fits our life the best. We still want to have a bit of a 'normal' life down there...so looking at the suburbs. On base has some good benefits for us...but we just aren't sure if that's something we really want to deal with. Why would we pay $1100 to live in a duplex when we could pay the same to buy a much bigger house with a bigger yard and in a real neighborhood? Well, the commute I guess. Who knows what that is going to be like.

Of course, then the worrier in me starts to kick in. It took me 4 years to actually makes friends here...I mean, real friends...so I'll be starting over with that. The over-protective mom in me will also be super cautious about babysitters and such all over again. It'll probably be a few years before I do leave my kids with a babysitter. Then there's the 'critters' out there...do I really want to worry about rattlesnakes and scorpions?? I mean, Ellie is a curious little monster that messes with EVERYTHING! I don't want her picking up something like that....or finding something like that in our backyard, or worse, our house! I would freak!! On top of all that, there's the worry of selling our home and finding one in just the right time-line. Honestly, I know I worry so much but I'm not good at just 'going with the flow'. I don't want to buy a house, and end up hating it and not being able to sell it. Oh well, we might not even go there...but honestly, don't know where else we would go right now.